ArthritiChrissy

Have you ever heard a song that instantly landed an emotional blow? This happens often with Taylor Swift songs. However, another wonderfully gifted songwriter caught me off guard this weekend.

Gracie Abrams’ (who I saw open for Taylor in LA!) “That’s So True” came across my TikTok feed this weekend, and the bridge of this song is such a precise description of my battle with rheumatoid arthritis. Almost every line means something specific to me – I’ll break it down below.

Made it out alive, but I think I lost it

I’m here. I survived this diagnosis so far. But the road to a diagnosis and treatment was incredibly difficult. At times I actually thought I was losing it. So many doctors. So many turning me away because their diagnostics showed nothing wrong. “Is this in my head?! It can’t be. I can see the swelling. I can feel the pain. But why can’t anyone else see it?! Am I losing my grip on reality? Is any of this real?!”

Said that I was fine, said it from the coffin

“I’m fine” might be the most-uttered phrase by chronically ill people ever. There’s just a reality to having to fake being ok to get by in a world designed for the pre-disabled. And sometimes, you say you’re ok even when you’re at your absolutely lowest, most desperate points. From the coffins of this disease.

Remember how I died when you started walking?

I know I take this more literally than most, but it perfectly describes the lowest point in my RA journey. During the flare that finally led to my diagnosis, I expressed some doubts to my husband. I wasn’t sure it was worth being here anymore. I have always been active, and for the past decade hiking has been my favorite form of movement. My knees were truly failing me. I didn’t see any hope on the horizon. I didn’t know how I would continue without the activities I loved so much. After all, it wasn’t just hiking. A simple walk and bike ride sent me into the most extreme flare of my life. Watching my friends continue to smash their fitness goals while I couldn’t walk to the bathroom was one of the most mentally difficult things I have had to work through.

That’s my life, that’s my life

Life with a chronic illness is difficult. Sometimes things are great. But sometimes I slip back into mourning my pre-diagnosed body. And wondering about the future. And feel the jealousy and pain of watching able-bodied folks do what I so desperately wish I could.

I’ll put up a fight, taking out my earrings

You better believe I’m fighting. Once I had a diagnosis and my doctor’s assurance that he would do everything he could to make me feel better, it was time. to. fight. Meds, diet, exercise, sleep, stress management. Throwing myself into reading everything I could get my hands on about this disease. Changing my lifestyle entirely to ensure I was giving my body every advantage. The earrings are out, RA.

Don’t you know the vibe? Don’t you know the feeling?
You should spend the night, catch me on your ceiling
That’s your prize, that’s your prize
Well

There is much discussion about what these lines mean. As it relates to my “situation” with RA, I’m taking it to mean a few things. I relate to the sad, angry tone of the song, and know that vibe, that feeling. And I’m not backing down and giving up on this fight. Whether it’s taking my meds, doing my daily movement, trying to eat right, participating in support groups, doing advocacy work, or riding a bike 525 miles, I’m on RA’s “ceiling”.

This bridge took me on a pretty deep adventure, thinking about the ups and downs of fighting an autoimmune disease. Have you had the experience of a song hitting a nerve about your chronic illness? I would love to know which songs did this for you!